Question: It’s been two months since we broke up but the memory of my ex-girlfriend still haunts me. I have been smoking weed to get rid of the memories but i know that it is affecting me. I know that if i continue to smoke weed, it will affect my future but i am unable to stop because I am unable to get rid of so many memories that we have together. I am very frustrated and don’t know what to do. Please help me out.
Break ups are not easy, but remember that time heals. I am glad that you are aware that smoking weed and continuing to hang on to the memories will have a negative impact on your future. Break ups happen. People will come and go in your life. Rather than letting the memories ‘haunt’ you, try to cherish them. It’s called the past for a reason; hence you need to let it pass. That way you will start to let go and start to move on with your life.
With each relationship you will learn many valuable lessons, which could be related to yourself or the relationship in general. Focus on the positives rather than the negatives. No person or relationship is perfect. No matter whose fault it is, dwelling on blame and anger will only make things worse. Try to accept it and move on. There will be better things to come as long as you have a positive outlook towards life.
You are always stronger than you think you are, therefore take control of the habit before it takes control of you. All you have to say is say NO whenever you get the urge to smoke. It’s all in the mind. Find POSITIVE ways of dealing and coping with the break-up and your emotions, ways that will NOT make you feel worse about yourself. Distract yourself by keeping yourself busy. Don’t isolate yourself. Go out, have fun and make new friends.
Since you are 21, I am assuming that you are still studying? Therefore, it will be a good idea to start prioritising your life and setting goals. This way you will have direction in life and can plan for your future accordingly, rather than moving around in circles. You will then have something to look forward to and feel good about yourself once you have achieved these goals. The key to your success and happiness is you. Hope this helps. All the best!
Question: Why do I get angry if people don’t do what I want?
Anger is a natural emotion that everyone experiences, and one of the causes or triggers of one’s anger are unfulfilled expectations or needs, as it is in your case. People may not or cannot do what you want them do because of various reasons. Take a moment to reflect, rather than let your anger cloud your rational thinking or judgement. Why didn’t the person or people do what I asked them to? In your case I can only assume the following reasons:
- Clear instructions may not have been given and before they could explain themselves, anger got the better of you?
- Could it be that you didn’t ask them nicely or politely?
- It was not the right time or the place?
- The task that was asked for was difficult or time consuming?
- The other person could have been busy?
- Maybe they forgot?
- The task may have not been that urgent and could have waited?
Remember that in life we do not always get what we want. As mentioned earlier, reasons could be many. We need to think before we ask people for favours, find ways to cope when we don’t get what we want and find alternative/options.
We also need to rationalise. Learn to empathise with the person or people. By empathise, I mean look at things from their perspective or reason with them by putting yourself in their shoes. This way you will be more understanding, rather than seem needy or demanding. Listen to what the other person has to say before you jump to conclusions or judge them. Get into the habit of telling people that you are angry and what makes you angry because a lot of times we react and then think later. Communication is extremely important! Anger if not managed, will destroy relationships because the ‘rational’ part of your brain stops working when consumed with anger, therefore we do and say things we normally would not which will eventually make us regret later. Unfortunately, in many cases the damage is already done. When it comes to anger prevention is always better than cure! Here are some other simple ways to cope and manage anger: Stay away from the triggers. Take deep breadths by counting to 5 breathing in and counting to 5 breathing out. Distract yourself. Walk away and not react. Hope this helps.
Question: My 5 year old son throws tantrums in public when I do not buy him what he wants. It gets very embarrassing. How do I handle this?
Public tantrums can be extremely overwhelming, difficult to handle and of course embarrassing. I have seen and dealt with many. Not to worry I will guide you on what can be done to help you and your child. Before I get into the intervention bit, let me start with the basics; so what is a tantrum? For starters a tantrum and meltdown is NOT the same thing. A tantrum is acted out on purpose in order to achieve or get what they want. A meltdown or sensory meltdown however is a child’s natural reaction to something in the environment which the child can’t handle, feels overwhelmed or faces sensory overload. For example, loud music, big crowds, sudden loud noise, lack of sleep, hunger etc. Sensory meltdowns will not stop just by giving the child what they want, unlike the tantrum you described. This differentiation will help you know what you are dealing with.
Now coming back to your issue, first step to dealing with tantrums is to STAY CALM! Yelling at your chid will only aggravate the situation. Show him that you are calm, that you care and that you are there for him. He may eventually look at you and calm down himself in a while. If this does not work, please don’t give in to the tantrum. You need to be extremely adamant and patient, even if you have to walk around with him screaming. You need to break the habit! You can also take him out of the store where he can yell and scream all he wants, but again DO NOT GIVE IN. Find ways to distract him. Give him tasks to do or request for his help while you shop, while having fun at the same time. Appreciate his good behaviour once he complies. Since you already know what triggers the tantrums, avoid or stay away from them. Also, since children aged 5 are able to reason, understand simple instructions, have a conversation etc. , you can sit down before you go to the market, talk to him nicely. Reflect how you feel, for example you can tell him that his behaviour upsets or hurts you. But please note that trying to reason with a child while he is having his ‘episode’ will not help. Do it before or after the tantrum spell, when he’s calm and composed. It will take a few practice runs, but you will eventually get there with patience and consistency. Good luck!
1. Please note that TNT- The Northeast Today in association with Be Happy Counselling services will not be able to give any warranty or guarantee that personal problems presented by a reader can or will be resolved.
2.TNT- The Northeast Today in association with Be Happy Counselling services does not accept any liability or responsibility for any consequences of a reader’s use of its content.
3. A reader’s use of the advice or information provided in a counselling column, their interpretation of what they read, or any effects on them or others, which they attribute to the column is their responsibility alone.