BEEF POSITIVE: A 5-point guide for Northeast India on embracing the ‘Holy Cow’!

Shillong, April 17, 2017: Ever heard of the adage, “Serving Politics on your Platter”? No? Okay, that’s because I just made it up, but hey, I’ll tell you why. As BJP continues to conquer the nation with their Lotus in full bloom, it is but only natural for some sections of society to feel insecure about it, given the fact that in recent months, the party has left Indians with no space of their own as they go on defining conditions even that which rests on our plates!

Northeast India is no exception to this ‘Insecurity’ that has begun taking a toll on our lives, and more so in the social media spaces. With the likes of Beef ban, PDA (Public Displays of Affection) ban, Liquor Ban, ‘Over-food ordering’ ban and the recent late night parties ban in Goa, it seems people are now planning something on the lines of party ban this coming elections.

As 2018 elections are close at hand for Northeastern states like Meghalaya, Tripura and Nagaland, the outcome, though not very optimistic for many people, have left us with not many options but to accept the BJP rule and keep a positive mind as countering them is totally out of our domain.

So, with a positive mind, here are 5 ways we bring to you how you can tackle the arrival of RSS into your lives:

#1 Beef ban– While we are going gaga over ‘beef ban’ and the dignified holy cow phenomena, do we even realize what harm is beef doing to us? Eating beef is a good way to expand your waistline and increase your chances of becoming impotent and developing heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, and other health conditions. Research has shown that vegetarians have 40 percent the cancer rate of meat-eaters. So, what to do now with all the cows? Well, keep them as pets may be, after all research says that cows are gentle social animals. So meet ‘Guy’ my new ‘Gai’ (Cow) pet .

#2 Fixed portion sizes of dishes- “If a person can eat only two prawns, why should he or she be served six? If a person eats two idlis, why serve four! It’s wastage of food and also many people pay for something that they don’t eat,” said Ram Vilas Paswan, minister of consumer affairs, food and public distribution. On a personal front, I do not find anything wrong with this although my friends from the hospitality industry might strongly resent this. But again, like I already said, let’s be positive and not waste food! Anyhow, everyday our restaurants have been wasting loads of food which could have at least fed some starving people. But hey, who really cared then right? But now we will care because….. RSS/BJP

#3 The Anti- Romeo Squad– They say ‘All is fair in Love and War’ but loving in front of RSS members? You might want to think twice! Your Love will lead to war if you are, in any way found indulging in Public Display of Affections (PDAs). But look at the bright side, its good news for parents isn’t it? After all your children will now not be seeing the Romeos and Juliets in the open though some of you parents might have had enough of your own PDAs while you were of young! But again, who really cared then!

#4 Liquor ban- The Supreme Court on December 15, 2016 ordered ban on liquor sales on state and national highways across the country. This came in as a source of great happiness to all those families with alcohol addicted members. But wait! What about grief stricken people with liquor being the only source of drowning in their sorrows? (They might as well start drowning themselves in water) But jokes apart, let’s again try to be positive here. The bench, however exempted Sikkim and Meghalaya from its order to ban liquor vends within 500m or 220m. As it is, Northeast India is reeling under substance abuse, so you might as well feel privileged with your army quota alcohol from CSD canteen.

#5 And lastly, ban on late night parties in Goa: Looks like our favourite party destination, Goa will soon become quieter by night. As per the latest news, there will be a complete ban on late night parties in next few weeks, which means my plans are ruined, and so must be yours! Goa Water Resources Minister Vinod Palyekar has made a demand of complete ban on rave parties that involve drugs and are often done in the coastal areas, beachside (but Uber drivers raping women late at night is okay for they still ply the roads). Anyways, so what if tourism sector gets kicked and our party plans have been ruined right! Let’s be positive, let’s go to Goa, and drink beer in our hotels watch TV and go to sleep!

Newton’s law states that to each action, there is always an equal and opposite reaction. So while beef ban, liquor ban and the likes may bring about an increase in smuggling of these commodities and hence a rise in illegal practices, I wonder how we can still remain positive given the fact that our present seems dictated and future seems somehow illegal. Until then, with all the bans, let’s not rant and do what we can!

-Anonymous

DISCLAIMER: The opinion expressed in the above article is the writer’s own and TNT-The Northeast Today may not uphold the same views. The writer’s name has been with held on request.

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